The Ending of 2011

Right before the new year, I always write a retrospective blurb that somehow sums up what the year means to me. I had a lot of trouble writing about this year because I was trying to find words that jarred positive cliches of self-growth and personal awareness but it was not at all what I wanted to write about. After brainstorming words I could equate to 2011, I determined that my word would be 'endings'; such a word is probably the opposite of what you would expect me to write about as it connotes a permanent finish. However, there is so much more to endings; they can be temporal, inevitable, a preamble to the next. So read this ending as an epilogue; a concluding postscript to 2011:

Although Pamela felt her first taste of what seemed like a temporal ending to her life in BC, she found the courage and excitement to start something new when she moved to Ontario just moments before the 2011 New Year. Like every good dichotomy, endings are not without beginnings and thus she felt the fickle minded partnership of having beginnings begin so endings could end. As quickly as it started, she ended the him and hers, ended the trips, ended the starlight nights, ended the internship, ended the hugs and constant conversations. She ended so she could begin again, and end again. She ended University, ended the intimacy. She ended it because she needed some sort of control before the year ended. So here we find Pamela watching the countdown beat down to the final seconds into the New Year. She hopes that perchance there will be magic in those last few seconds; within the spaces of those seconds, she hopes that the earth will turn on its axis and somehow time will set her free, the endings will be rung out, the new year will help forget the things she put in her head and she will feel a unweighted lightness of being otherwise known as clarity. But when the year does in fact end, she realizes that her emotions have not turned skyward, the moments continue to flow on despite this brief interruption of cheers and kisses, the promise of a better year will be up for her taking until it too ends. Although Pamela did not want these endings, temporal or permanent as they may be, she knows that she cannot live in the manacles of regression. Instead, she thrives on this perpetuity of progress. Please, do note that she is not leaving things behind with her endings. She keeps these endings so she knows her capacity of moving on.

Pam  xx

Every Crushing Node

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog and an even longer time that I have written anything of actual significance. I am not devoid of feelings. In fact, I have become so fanatic that I have tried to make sense of every tingle, vibration, and clench. I went against my beliefs and became obsessed with searching and making sense of everything that I felt myself hanging off the precipice. In this constant search for an ostensible meaning, I ended up feeling meaningless. The paces of my latest passions were not steady and progressive insomuch as they would bloom and collapse. I could feel myself not caring about putting an effort to maintain my relationships and I let my passions fall by the wayside. But I feel a turnaround. It has been less than twenty-four hours since I finished my last exam of my undergraduate studies and this high that I am experiencing is more than worth the travail of the last five years. I used school as an albatross of carried excuses to sacrifice relationships, friendships and activities I wanted to accomplish but did not. There is an awakening because the excuses have fallen and the weight has been lifted. It is not that school was not purposeful but it was simply just a parenthesis in this creation of becoming something meaningful. There is a knowing that the start of something new is the start of a trembling brilliance.

Also of significance, a week ago I got my tarot cards read. Despite my lack of faith in the activity itself, I was thrilled at the opportunity to gain some new perspectives. She focused on what she saw as two major things in my life: love and education. I do not want to give away the detailed explanations she illuminated, but I do find that the two themes are very prominent. Now that my education is complete (for the time being?), I'm ready to learn through explorations of the mind, body and all that exists between matter and the stars. I'm ready to learn through love and learn through a thorough fostering of my soul's imagination and application of this consciousness. I hope you stay awhile to see what becomes of me. 

Pam  xx